My Self Keeps Slipping Away

18 04 2010

I want so very, very badly to be funny tonight. I even have a hilarious post brewing in my twisted noggin that’s had me giggling all weekend.

I’m not in a very funny mood.

Intellectually, I can recognize that I’m in a depressive swing. First clue? I started crying on the way to work yesterday when “Dust in the Wind” played on the radio. Holy crap, people. I cried over a Kansas song. Are you kidding me? If you mock me for this, I swear you will be dead to me.

Saturday night I had the opportunity to meet a roomful of beautiful, talented, funny women. Fun, right? I was so excited to have a girls’ night out. I arranged to get off work early, Car had the kids under control, and I even finished the ward programs early! I covered all those bases, not realizing my crippling social anxiety would make an appearance.

The only thing worse than being in a crowd of amazing women and feeling completely alone? Knowing I have nobody to blame but myself.

And the only thing worse than feeling completely alone and blaming myself? That would be finding the whole situation triggering and spending the drive home talking myself off the ledge.

I hate being depressed. I hate being a recovering addict. I hate being insecure. I hate blogging about it and worrying that people will either judge me or worry about me.

I. Hate. This.

*Thank you for bearing with my self-indulgent, depressing posts from time to time. I promise to stop listening to Lisa Loeb at 2 am. Please return tomorrow for our regularly scheduled funny.

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12 responses

19 04 2010
Melissa Badertscher

Okay. So you know I am not here to judge you or worry about you, but I do worry about you. If it helps at all, I think that all of us at some state in our lives whether it be on a regular basis or just periodically, go through the same depression stages. I, myself, do.
Like me, I keep telling myself that things will get better, life isn’t easy, but I wish it were. You’re a strong woman and you’ll get through this.
I love you and I want you to know that.

21 04 2010
jenndola

Thanks, Melissa. I love you too!

19 04 2010
Kristina P.

I think you did an amazing job! You were personable and funny! I also get social anxiety at times. It happens to the best of us. And you made the best of a bad situation. Coming to an event is more than half the battle.

19 04 2010
Erika Hill

Sometimes I worry about posting things like this on my blog because it seems like I’m just trying to get sympathy or something…but I think it’s important. It sometimes seems like personal blogs (especially Mormon personal blogs…) often become a bit like many personal snapshots: always smiling. Seriously, look at the photos of you and your family. Smiling, right? We don’t take pictures when we’re having a crappy day, because we don’t see ourselves this way. In some ways this is good, because then we remember the good parts of life while the no-so-good fall by the wayside, but in some ways it’s a little bit like lying.

Pretending that life is always good and always funny is a little like lying. So thanks for keeping it real. I hope that your self comes back to you soon. 🙂

21 04 2010
jenndola

But Erika, I am just trying to get sympathy. Obviously my evil plan worked! Mwahahaha!

I love that you used the phrase “keeping it real.” That’s why you’re one of my peeps.

19 04 2010
Heidi

Being open about mental illness is a HUGE step toward understanding and acceptance. Without people like you talking about it, many more people would continue to hide and judge. Thank you for being open and honest.

19 04 2010
Em

Oh Jenny! You know I love ya! We all don’t have the picture perfect family! I don’t! There are times that I want to pull my hair out! Or want to say something horrible! And there was times that I did! I’ve learned to think of a happy place and count to 10 many times! Either at home or at work! Mostly @ home! 🙂 I’ve had a conversation with somebody at work on night and it was how people are so judgemental. I wan’t raised to be like that. We all have our problems! And we all have family & friends to help us out when we need it! You know you have good friends and family!! 🙂 I think you are a great mom! You’ve been through alot! And I think very highly of you! I miss working with you!! I think blogging is a good way of getting things out! 🙂

19 04 2010
Janice

I really love when people look at my pictures and they’re like, “Ohhhhh you’re so happy. You’re so in love! Your life is picture perfect.” Ummm, yeah…on paper it is. I’m not going to post how on Saturday I actually told my husband I wanted to “duct tape his mouth shut because I’m so sick of the negative comments that come out of it.” Not one of my finer moments and yes…I was still in love with him, but I guess my point is that people see what we show them or what we want them to see. So thank you for sharing and showing us that life isn’t always unicorns and rainbows. Sometimes it sucks and we keep going because we know it won’t suck everyday. As Dory (Finding Nemo) says, “Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.”

21 04 2010
jenndola

Anyone who thinks life is always unicorns and rainbows is obviously delusional. I mean, unicorns aren’t even REAL, people!

I love that you’re blog stalking me, Janice. It makes me happy.

19 04 2010
Janice

One of my favorite quotes:

“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: You don’t give up.” Anne Lamott

19 04 2010
Mom

I’m sure I’m the last one you want to hear from. For YEARS I would go to gatherings, very excited to go, and end up doing nothing but mentally berate myself for days on end on how I didn’t do this right, I didn’t look right, I have a big mouth, whatever. I would go into what I called a “tailspin.”

I didn’t know about society anxiety; I didn’t know that I was clinically depressed. And one of the strangest things about being married to Dad is that over the years, I’ve begun to be much more introverted. My normal inclination is to stay home. Dad, on the other hand, has become extroverted. Very strange. I actually think the key to handling it all better (a key which took many years to find and then even longer to figure out how to use it) is learning to feel happy with who I am. That’s been a long process of literally decades of prayer, but my persistence has paid off. I know I am LOVED; I can actually feel it. It’s so tangible and real that nothing else in the world matters any more. Love you.

20 04 2010
rachel

jenny, I LOVE YOUR BLOG! i even love the name. see, i love it so much that i used the shift key for 14 characters in a row! you are one of the coolest and funniest people ever. your crazy brain just makes you even more amazing. and honestly, what geniuses haven’t been mental? look at einstein, mozart, me, you, the list goes on and on. i fling my faeces in the face of depression! and so should you.
i did, infact, laugh at the crying over a kansas song. sorry, but it was funny. i’ll just come over every day and say inappropriate things, and that will bring you out of this episode. i wish that actually worked. it does kind of help.

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