It’s Not as Easy as I Expected

22 04 2010

This is Big G:

As many of you know, Big G isn’t the easiest child in the entire world but really, is any 4-year-old easy?

I spent a lot of time telling myself that all preschoolers do weird things. They have control issues–whose preschooler doesn’t have a 15-minute tantrum when you change his sheets or sing the bedtime songs in the wrong order…right? Right?! Plus, try describing his odd behavior to somebody without accompanying video: “So my kid does this thing where he jerks his head and talks to the air. Oh, and he swats at invisible things, too.” It sounds crazy, like I’m overreacting about my kid pretending.

Except he’s not pretending. I don’t know what he’s doing, but he’s not pretending.

I finally caught it on video and e-mailed it to my sister-in-law, who just so happens to be a pediatrician. (Handy, ain’t it?) My brother called to tell me she needed to show it to some colleagues to get their opinions. Ha ha, Peter, very funny. You totally got me that time.

Except he wasn’t kidding.

The general consensus is that I need to take Big G to a pediatric neurologist. If they rule out seizures and Tourette’s, we should probably go to a child development specialist to rule out an Autism Spectrum Disorder.

I’m trying to be strong. Nothing is concrete. All I have at this point is an inkling that something might be off.

But my heart is breaking.

I’ve spent a little time trying to decide why I’m so upset. After all, we have no official diagnosis, and even the possible diagnoses aren’t really that bad. I even wondered if I was upset that I might have a less-than-perfect child. Am I worried about how much work that would entail? Am I that shallow?

I’m not. I just want my child (perfect or less than) to have a perfect life. Logically I know that’s not possible, but if I had my way my son would never be mocked, hurt, upset, rejected…any of those terrible things that make life hard. And let’s admit it–anything that sets a child apart is cannon fodder for his or her peers.

I knew motherhood would be hard.

I never expected it to rip my heart out of my chest.

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14 responses

22 04 2010
Kristina P.

Oh, Jen, I am so, so sorry. I will keep you guys in my prayers. I hope that you get some good news.

23 04 2010
Heidi

Wow. That’s a lot to think about. Everything I can think of saying sounds almost trite, but you’ll be in my prayers.

23 04 2010
Danessa

That is completely wretched. Even without it being “official”. However remember, regardless to the diagnosis, he is still your little man and you love him completely. That says alot. AND the positive of this may just be some tools to be able to help G through his life. Oh Jen, no words can help this, but know that I am thinking about you, and praying for you both!

23 04 2010
Peter

Regardless of what diagnosis comes, the best thing going for big G is that you are his mother. Your love and dedication to your kids will pull them through the worst that life has to offer, and I know you’ll do everything in your power to give big G everything he needs to grow and flourish. Many “good” parents can’t lay claim to such nobility of character, and I love and admire you for it.

23 04 2010
Sunny

The best thing he has is a mom like you who gets it. While you may not be able to protect him from everything, you are the best advocate for your child and he is so lucky. Whatever happens or you find out, you have are a fighter and have the ability to get him what he needs, which not a lot of parents can claim.

Even though we are far our thoughts and prayers are with you. I think about you all the time out here. I keep thinking I should call you and then look at the clock, and then I see you post things at 2 am and think, I should have called. Love you!

23 04 2010
Christine

I agree with Peter, you are an amazing mother. I love Big G no matter what and if I can be of any help please let me know

24 04 2010
Charlotte

It’s hard when we see obstacles our kids are going to face. Good luck finding a diagnosis and way to keep looking when your heart tells you you should! That is a sign of a wonderful mother.

24 04 2010
Julie

Good luck Jen! He’s adorable and he has a great mom!

24 04 2010
Untypically Jia

I know the stress of the unknown is the worst. I echo a lot of the commenters in that he’s still your little man regardless of any diagnosis, and at least you care enough to be observant. I know a lot of parents wouldn’t have caught a thing.

26 04 2010
promisewalk

Aw crud, I’m sorry to hear you are traveling this road. The above commentors are right, you are a great mom and Big G is in good hands with you. Some days are better than others, but take them one at a time.

26 04 2010
Denise

Sorry hon, that last comment was from me. I apparently was logged in yet under the Promise Walk. bah.

26 04 2010
Denise

And that one went to moderation, but my comment under me didn’t. double bah.

26 04 2010
Janice

Sometimes I can’t find the right words to say because I’m scared I’ll sound all “here’s the bright side” and I really hate sounding that way. Because the other person is always like “I don’t want to hear about the stupid bright side right now!” So I only have this: Yay for you for checking it out and getting an opinion. It could be nothing, it could be something but either way it will allow you to move forward. Hugs to you…this being a mom thing isn’t always easy but from what I read, you’re doing a damn fine job.

26 04 2010
MomBabe

Oh no! Waiting for answers for things like this is so hard because you always imagine the worst. Good luck !

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