Adventures in Idiocy

28 04 2010

There are two techs-in-training at our pharmacy. Tech #1 (we’ll call him Stud, because he is awesome) is helpful, funny, and trying his hardest to learn the many things necessary to be a good tech. Tech #2 (we’ll call him Idiot, because that’s what he is) is self-centered, has no sense of humor, and wants everyone to give him all the answers. Because, you know, thinking is, like, hard and stuff.

As you may have surmised, today’s blog is a treasury of quotes from Idiot. I did not make any of these up.

To a female customer: “Why would you pay $50 for birth control?”
Female customer: “Do you have any idea how much it costs to have a baby?”

“My wife won’t use birth control.” (Idiot is currently engaged.)

“I won’t let my wife see a male doctor. I don’t want any other guy to see her like that.”

“Oh, man. My abs are so sore! I worked them way too hard yesterday!” (This comment, in and of itself, isn’t necessarily awful. Repeated 20 times throughout the day, it begins to grate on me.)

And my personal favorite:

“How do I keep my wife from getting fat after we’re married?”


*Yes, I know I missed last night. I fell asleep on the couch and when I woke up at 1:30 am, I just didn’t have it in me. If you count Wordless Wednesday, I’m doing TWO posts today!

**Big G update: The pediatrician said Big G might be having myoclonic seizures. Since he’s not positive, we have an appointment with a pediatric neurologist in 2 weeks. I appreciate everyone’s concern!


Wordless Wednesday – Rear View

28 04 2010

Get Off My Lawn!

26 04 2010

In case you’re wondering, I am wearing pants tonight. I’m sure you’re all kinds of relieved.

I live across the street from a high school.  Today, as I pulled weeds (I know! I think I have some kind of neurological condition that’s completely changing my personality.), I took a moment to observe the high school kids across the street and spent the rest of the day humming “I’m Glad I’m Not Young Anymore.” (It’s from Gigi, people. If you didn’t know that, it’s time to brush up on your 1950s musicals. Also? Stop judging me.)

The one thing I hate about living across the street from the high school is the amount of trash that blows into our yard. Apparently none of the students understand the purpose of a garbage can, which brings me to the moment I realized I’m an old fart: I actually considered collected all the garbage from my yard for a month and taking it to the high school administration.

Holy crap. I’m pretty sure the next step is to start spraying kids with a hose every time they pass my house. That actually sounds kind of awesome. I might just enjoy this whole “getting old” thing.

*Even WordPress knows Gigi. Is WordPress smarter than you?

I Can’t Find My Pants

25 04 2010

Seriously. I think they’re in the laundry but I’m too lazy to go look, so I’m blogging with no pants. I am wearing underwear, though. I don’t want you thinking I blog commando, because…eww. Of course, now you’ve all stopped reading because you’re too busy vomiting. Let me know when you’re back.

Okay, then! Let’s move on (even though I’m still not wearing pants). Today I’d like to you to take a gander at a sign I photographed for you last week.

Let’s review, shall we?

Am I missing something?

The Wisdom of Big G

24 04 2010

Today grandma and grandpa bought a few goldfish for their pond. Big G was commenting on how much they like to swim, so of course I had to bust out with, “Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly.”

Big G’s response: “Lions gotta walk, langur monkeys gotta swing.”

What the crap? I had to Google langur monkeys to even know what he was talking about. It’s pretty sad when my 4-year-old knows more about the animal kingdom than I do.

I felt vindicated when, moments later, he asked, “Is there animals that aren’t robots?” Ah. Obviously I’m smarter than he is, because he used blatantly incorrect grammar. Oh, and the robot thing.

I told him animals are not robots and he replied, “Oh. They’re not all robots?”

Now I’m imagining a world filled with animatronic animals. It’s not pleasant. Thanks, Big G.

*WordPress doesn’t know the word “animatronic.” Obviously it’s never been to Chuck E Cheese. Or Disneyland. Unless it was so traumatized by the Hall of Presidents that it completely blocked animatronics from memory. Hey, it could happen.

You Probably Shouldn’t Have Sex

23 04 2010

As many of you know, I have an unnatural fascination with prescription medication commercials. Okay, fine, it’s really just the medications for erectile dysfunction. And no, this obsession has nothing to do with my love life, you perverts.

Anyway, I saw a commercial for Viagra tonight in which a gentleman (we’ll call him “Bob”) was conversing with his reflection. “Are you going to talk to the doctor about our erectile dysfunction?” This concerned me. Does Bob frequently seek advice from his reflection? Or is he speaking in the royal “we”? Either way, I find myself somewhat concerned about Bob’s significant other. Does he or she know about Bob’s disturbing habit of speaking with nonexistent personages?

As I pondered this question, I saw this flash on the screen and decided Bob’s psychiatric condition is probably irrelevant:

Dude. Seriously?

I’d ask if this warning is really necessary, but I work in a pharmacy and am sadly aware that it is. Still, I’d like to go on record as saying that if you’re stupid enough to think Viagra protects against STDs, you’re definitely too stupid to have sex.

In other news, my list of people too stupid to have sex is becoming unruly. Perhaps it’d be more efficient to have a list of the people allowed to have sex. I’ll start working on that.

*Thanks to all of you for your support and encouragement. We have an appointment with the pediatrician next week, so hopefully we can start to get some answers. Now stop making me cry.

**WordPress doesn’t like STDs. But really, who does?

It’s Not as Easy as I Expected

22 04 2010

This is Big G:

As many of you know, Big G isn’t the easiest child in the entire world but really, is any 4-year-old easy?

I spent a lot of time telling myself that all preschoolers do weird things. They have control issues–whose preschooler doesn’t have a 15-minute tantrum when you change his sheets or sing the bedtime songs in the wrong order…right? Right?! Plus, try describing his odd behavior to somebody without accompanying video: “So my kid does this thing where he jerks his head and talks to the air. Oh, and he swats at invisible things, too.” It sounds crazy, like I’m overreacting about my kid pretending.

Except he’s not pretending. I don’t know what he’s doing, but he’s not pretending.

I finally caught it on video and e-mailed it to my sister-in-law, who just so happens to be a pediatrician. (Handy, ain’t it?) My brother called to tell me she needed to show it to some colleagues to get their opinions. Ha ha, Peter, very funny. You totally got me that time.

Except he wasn’t kidding.

The general consensus is that I need to take Big G to a pediatric neurologist. If they rule out seizures and Tourette’s, we should probably go to a child development specialist to rule out an Autism Spectrum Disorder.

I’m trying to be strong. Nothing is concrete. All I have at this point is an inkling that something might be off.

But my heart is breaking.

I’ve spent a little time trying to decide why I’m so upset. After all, we have no official diagnosis, and even the possible diagnoses aren’t really that bad. I even wondered if I was upset that I might have a less-than-perfect child. Am I worried about how much work that would entail? Am I that shallow?

I’m not. I just want my child (perfect or less than) to have a perfect life. Logically I know that’s not possible, but if I had my way my son would never be mocked, hurt, upset, rejected…any of those terrible things that make life hard. And let’s admit it–anything that sets a child apart is cannon fodder for his or her peers.

I knew motherhood would be hard.

I never expected it to rip my heart out of my chest.