Strong Like Bull

30 04 2010

Early on in our relationship, Car performed some awesome feat of strength (I believe it was single-handedly lifting a snowmobile out of a drift) that led my brother to label him “Strong like bull.” (Yes, this was right around the time There’s Something About Mary came out, and that phrase was all over the commercials.) That’s pretty much been his role in our marriage–he’s the rock, and I fall apart at random intervals. He’s freakishly proud of his immune response, and also a firm believer of mind over matter. 

If a man has a wife who is frequently ill, saying “I don’t get sick because I don’t want to” might not be the best idea. I’m just sayin’.

It's the Anti-Car!

Some of my favorite moments in our marriage involve completely random comments from Car that are similar to last night’s conversation:

Me: “The doctor at the instacare says I have strep.”
Car: “That’s probably what I had. My throat was kind of sore.”
Me: “Really? How do you feel now?”
Car: “Oh, I’m better.”
Me: “Umm…I don’t think you had strep, honey. You wouldn’t be feeling better.”
Car: “What, it’s not possible to get over strep without antibiotics?”
Me: “I guess it’s possible, but there’s a good chance of complications.”

I admit, it really is possible he could have had strep, but still. What’s he trying to do, steal my thunder? Prove how woefully inadequate my immune system is?

Remember the big West Nile outbreak/hysteria several years back? Based on a short period of muscle aches and general malaise, Car was convinced that he had West Nile, but came through it just fine. Thanks so much, news outlets, for reporting that many people have just those symptoms with West Nile.

Again, it’s not that he couldn’t have possibly had West Nile…it’s the assumption that every time he gets sick, it’s something potentially serious but somehow he manages to overcome it through the awesome power of his immune system. (Ooh–I almost forgot last year’s magical Swine Flu episode! Seriously. He does this with every major health scare.) (Also, I’m really glad he didn’t do any swimming the year of the big cryptosporidium outbreak. I shudder to think how that would’ve gone.)

He’s the healthiest hypochondriac I’ve ever met. Awesome.


The Drive-Up Window is My Archnemesis

29 04 2010

My pharmacy has a drive-up window. As you may have inferred from the title of this post, I hate it with the passion of a thousand fiery suns.

Satan's Preferred Transportation System

Today, for your reading enjoyment, I present:

Drive-Up Etiquette (or, Why You’re Lucky I Can’t Reach Out and Stab You in the Eye)

1. Get. Off. Your. Phone. Seriously. If you want us to help you, stop talking to your spouse/boyfriend/kid/baby daddy/drug dealer and pay attention to the person trying to give you (legal) drugs.

2. Press the call button once. We know you can’t hear it ding, but we can. When you press it 5 times in 10 seconds, we have the overwhelming urge to make you wait…just because we can.

3. If we ask for your picture ID, just send it. You have no idea how tempted we are to call the cops when you claim you have no ID with you. You drove here.

4. If you’re picking up a large prescription–nebulizer solutions, a giant bottle of Miralax, insulin syringes (to name a few)–don’t come to the drive-up. They don’t fit in the tube, and we’re not going to run them out to your car. We also prefer you not use the drive-up if you have 20 prescriptions.

5. If we tell you it will be ready in 15 minutes, don’t come back in 5 minutes and park yourself in the drive-up. Chances are your prescription isn’t finished, and you’re not our only customer.

6. When we ask if you need anything else, don’t say, “Yeah, an order of fries.” It’s not funny. It wasn’t funny the first time we heard it, and it certainly isn’t any better the 5,892th time.

7. If you’re the passenger in the car, please have the driver do the talking. As much as we enjoy trying to lip-read through the surveillance camera, it simplifies things to have the driver actually speak into the microphone. I realize it isn’t his or her prescription, but if you don’t trust a person to ask for your pills, you probably ought not trust that person to drive you around.

8. If you’re driving a diesel truck, turn off your engine. See above item about lip reading.

I know there are more things that bug me (When are there not?), but I have to go to bed at a reasonable time tonight. Tomorrow I get to spend seven hours being annoyed by people at the drive-up. Whee!

*Also? I have strep throat. And it sucks. Yes, that means I’m spending tomorrow spreading strep to all our pharmacy customers. I figure they gave it to me, so it’s karma.

**Shut up, WordPress. Whee is a totally legitimate word.